grace.

The other day, my sweet cousin shared this article on facebook: 20 REASONS I'M NOT A COOL MOM

What was meant to be a light-hearted post on mothering made me see red. So I've been thinking about it. What about this post grinds my gears so much? Sure, maybe it was a little harsh but I normally like sarcastic, dry humor. I'm not easily offended. But this, for some reason really upset me. I guess it was the way this writer seemed to scoff at the way some people "parent" their children. Like their choices as parents were an attempt to be "cool" (scoff, scoff) and not the way they have found to best love their children. But then I realized, this had very little to do with her words and everything to do with my own insecurities and struggles as a mama.

Trust me, I had this parenting gig ALL figured out...and then God gave us Harper. And I've come to realize that I don't "parent" her well at all. I love her. I guide her. I protect her. I teach her. But she is an individual; a member of this family (albeit a very young and very stubborn one). We set obvious rules but we're also learning as we go. That's what works for our family. It's not the way I thought it worked. I thought motherhood would be about routine and schedules and a baby that responded and molded into the child I "parented". I was wrong. And I would never want to force her into being the child I want rather than loving & nurturing the soul God has already created her to be.

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well. 

-Psalm 139: 13-14

And while my description may sound like a flimsy & possibly even lazy parenting approach, let me assure you, it is quite the opposite. It is HARD to grow with her. It is SCARY to not have all the answers in this - the most important job of my life. But it is what it is. This was a tough pill for me to swallow. You see, before I became a mother, I was a results-oriented person. My world revolved around a (false) truth that if you put in the right amount of time, dedication and work, you would get the results you wanted. Sports teams, honor roll, college, grad school, marathons, even relationships...up to this point, my experiences had reinforced this belief.

Enter Harper Grace Stanton. When I was pregnant, I exercised, took classes, did yoga, took more classes, & read books so that I would be totally prepared for labor. I remember one of my last appointments talking to my OB and I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I want to be really really good at this". Like labor is an olympic sport. She laughed at me. Rightfully so. Bless my heart. After some scary scans and almost 24 hours of being, frankly, awful at labor, Harper joined this world via c-section. And it seems each challenge following that was met with the same sense of "failure" on my part. Breast feeding? fail. Sleep training? holy moly, FAIL. Bouncing back to my pre-baby body? uh huh, sensing a trend here. So for a very long time all I could see were these failures and honestly, I missed out on the beauty that was unfolding before my very eyes...amidst a few challenges were many many successes: a wonderfully bright, strong, healthy, sweet little girl had joined our family. And this had very little to do with me putting in the right amount of time, dedication and work and everything to do with the grace of God.

I love that her middle name is Grace. In the past two years, the word has evolved to mean so much more to me that it did the day we decided on it as our girl's middle name. Grace was always a lovely word to me. A nice thought. Graceful was a virtue I attached to my grandmothers and ballerinas. Something I aspired to be like. But the word started to stir in my heart and when I heard it in JJ Heller's song, Painted Red, started to mean something more.

Hope means holding on to You // Grace means You're holding me too. 

According to wikipedia, grace is defined as:
"the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it", "the condescension or benevolence shown by God toward the human race". It is understood by Christians to be a spontaneous gift from God to man - "generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved".

When I stop to think about it, my whole experience of motherhood to date has been an experience of grace. I don't deserve it. It is a gift from God. It is a lesson in love and mercy. Every single day. When she looks at me with those big blue eyes and says "I wub you mama", or rests her head on my shoulder, my past failures are washed away & my heart becomes a little more grace-full.

thoughts on holy week.

PALM SUNDAY

So they took branches of palm trees and went out to meet him, crying out, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, even the King of Israel!" -John 12:13

Ann Voskamp writes a beautiful devotional for holy week. Her words on Palm Sunday were strong and convicitng.

The people that praise Him quiet on Palm Sunday on the way into the city - are the same crowd that cry "Crucify" loud on Good Friday when it doesn't go their way. 

And I am the woman who praises Him quiet when it goes my way - and who complains loud when it doesn't. 

This is what happens when God doesn't meet expectations. When God doesn't conform to hopes, someone always goes looking for a hammer. 

I can bang my frustration loud. 

The Pastor would say it on Sunday - that the people's Hosanna was a cry that literally meant "Save us! Save us!"

Jesus weeps because we don't know the peace that will save us. What brings us peace is always praise. 

There are donkey days and I'm the fool who doesn't recognize how God comes. God enters every moment the way He chooses and this is always the choice: wave a palm or a hammer. 
{Read entire post here}

I love this analogy. Our choice, not just on Palm Sunday, but in every situation is to waive a palm or a hammer. More palm // Less hammer. (See what I did there?)

MID-WEEK

I feel worn thin and pulled in so many directions. It's a lot to take in. There are cute bunnies and candy eggs. There are bright pastels and Spring flowers and the promise of new. But....oh but there is the heaviness in my heart and the sharp pain of this week that makes the eggs look extra plastic-y and the pretty pastels just look bland. The gorgeous Texas wildflowers are in full bloom but they look out of place. Their raw beauty catches me off guard. If I'm honest, sometimes my Hope just wears thin. BUT....OH, BUT:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12: 9

And then I stumbled on this. Again, Ann Voskamp for the win! 

He has touched our tears. He has cupped our broken hearts with His scars. He has whispered to the howl, “I know, I know. And I’ve come to begin the making of all things new.” We believe. Because we know. He knows our grief. We know His goodness. And the truth is – we don’t need an explanation from God like we need an experience of God.

And that is exactly what we get.

We get that experience of God when He stretches open His arms on that Cross and cries,

“For you. For all your regrets and for all your impossibles,
for all that will never be and for all that once was,
for all that you can’t make right and for all that you got wrong,
for your Judas failures and your Peter denials and your Lazarus griefs,
I offer to take the nails, the sharp edge of everything, and offer you myself because I want you, to take you,
you in your wild grief,
you in your anger and your disappointment and your wounds and your not-yet-there,
you, just as you are, not some improved version of you, but you – I came for you, to hold you, to carry you, to save you.”
{Read the entire post here}

Oh, I needed to read this.

MAUNDY THURSDAY

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me." In the same way after supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me." For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes." 
-1 Corinthians 11: 23-26

On the night he was BETRAYED, he gave THANKS...just sayin'

All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
-John 14:25-27

This was the night that Jesus left His legacy for us: the gift of the Holy Spirit and peace that surpasses all understanding. What a wonderful gift. As we sang the song "My Savior's Love", I felt hot tears run down my cheeks. I've sung this song many times before. The words were not new. But they meant something so meaningful to me tonight.

He took my sins and my sorrows 

And made them His very own

How incredibly comforting to know that my Lord, the Creator of the universe, chose to take human form to grieve and to suffer just as we do. Grief can be so lonely sometimes. But I know that I am never alone. That God is with me. He knows human grief and He bears the burden with us because He loves us that much.
He makes our sorrows His very own.

I was reminded of a verse I heard the other weekend at HopeSpoken:

You keep track of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.
-Psalm 56:8

Not only does He understand our human suffering, but He COLLECTS each tear. Friend, there is not a single tear that you cry alone. He is not only aware of them but He cares for us so deeply that he catches and records each one. What a beautiful and loving God we serve. So when we sang those words of the Savior's love, my tears were not from sadness but from gratitude and relief that I am not alone for one moment in this season of grief.

I will arise and go to Jesus

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my dear Savior,

Oh there are ten thousand charms

{Come Ye Sinners}

Basically, Mark Swayze nailed it with the worship music tonight.

GOOD FRIDAY

beautiful print by Lindsay Letters

Today is heavy...for lack of a better word. The solemnity and brokenness of this day is not lost on me. I feel like it is a good representation for where I'm "at" right now in my own life. There is the knowledge and joy of victory that is promised ahead but right now? Right now feels like a bunch of Groundhog Good Fridays. It is a gorgeous day out today. Blue skies and sunshine. I feel like it should be rainy and dark. I'm in awe of how the day is like any other. People are at work and carrying on like nothing happened today but if you think about the fact that this is the day Jesus DIED for all of us, today seems just as important as Christmas or Easter Sunday. 

"Day turned to night. His friends scattered and death thought that it had won. But Heaven just started counting to three" (Bob Goff)

EASTER SUNDAY

Today is beautiful and painful all at the same time. Yes, as a Christian, I share the joy in Jesus' resurrection...that this life on earth is not my final destination and it is not Dad's either. I look around at the beauty and hope during the Easter service at church and can't even begin to fathom the glory and joy celebrated in Heaven on this day. While I believe with my whole heart that Dad is in a FAR better place, I miss him so. And I'm going to be brutally honest here. Today was HARD. There were moments of sinking sorrow and frantic desperation to just go back in time...as silly as that sounds. All I could do was just keep breathing and praying. So that's what I did. And relief came. 

There is strength found when we face our biggest fears. This. Losing someone as important to me as Dad is by far my biggest fear. And I'm doing it. I'm working through the pain and finding glimpses of beauty along this very broken way. You see, I can say this with confidence: the Easter promise keeps my hope alive that I will see him again. Easter changes EVERYTHING ya'll. It gives the ultimate hope in time of hopelessness. It brings peace in time of despair. 

Oh praise the One 

who paid my debt

and

raised this life up from the dead.

hope spoken.

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.

I've been waiting for a really long time to be able to say this with true honesty. And finally, oh FINALLY the Lord brought me to a place where I could witness His mercy and grace in such a way that my broken heart would start to be healed. Let me just get one thing straight: I still miss my Dad so much that sometimes I find it hard to breathe. The sadness is so overwhelming that it can literally bring me to my knees if I allow it. However, God reminded me of so many truths while I was at Hope Spoken that there was no way He was going to allow His broken child to leave that place the same as when she arrived.

You see, we serve a God who is in the business of showing up. He is HERE - living and moving among us. What I was reminded of so clearly was that the more broken, the more wrecked your little heart is, the closer He is. I promise you friends, He will draw near.

"Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath" -Psalm 116:2

Don't you just love that image? A heavenly Father who not only hears us, but BENDS DOWN to listen. He draws close with love and tenderness.

For me (& many others), Hope Spoken was a "thin place" as Shauna Niequist describes in her book, Bittersweet.

"Thin places: places where the boundary between the divine world and the human world becomes almost nonexistent, and the two, divine and human, can for a moment, dance together uninterrupted. Some are physical places, and some aren't places at all, but states of being or circumstances or season"

Have you ever experienced a "thin place"? It is nothing short of amazing. The presence of a birth or a death, to be certain, is a thin place. Some worship services have felt like thin places for me. But seriously ya'll, this was three straight days of grace, redemption and THIN.

(But not literally, because holy moly the food was amazing! But I digress....)

I'm STILL trying to process it all and have so much to share but I have to get started somewhere. There will probably be more thoughts posted later as the goodness of the weekend continues to sink in.

We arrived to a beautifully decorated space full of tissue poms, glittery tables, chalk signs and cake pops. So, you know, basically my LOVE LANGUAGE.

But that was only the surface. Beneath all the "pretty" was authentic, grace-filled beauty. Speakers throughout the weekend poured their hearts out and bravely shared their stories of redemption and hope. I don't mean "yay God, my life is so perfect because I'm a Christian!" stuff.  I'm talking "I once was lost and now I'm found", "I needed redemption not relief", "it's time to start living out what we've always said as Christians" stuff. Painful, broken stories of death, divorce, adultery, abuse....all shared with such humble but confident grace. I almost stood up and cheered when Jess McClenahan said "the more I tell my story, the more it becomes less about me and more about Jesus".

I wish I had an audio tape of all of the speakers because the wisdom they shared was life-changing. I went back and forth throughout the weekend from frantically trying to jot down notes to just sitting back and soaking it all in in awe. A few nuggets of truth I did manage to write down:

All Shauna Niequist amazingness:

"more love, less hustle"
"the word 'should' is a warning sign. 'Should' means you are living under someone else's parameters."
"busy is  a drug and a defense. It makes you numb and safe. You wear exhaustion as a badge of honor. Lay down busy. Let it go. Just be present"
"I don't want my administrative skills to be the best thing I leave my children. We are substituting efficiency for love"
"In the Mary/Martha parable, Jesus does not say 'Blessed are those who are busting it'. He actually says 'Martha, you are missing it'"
"unclench your fists and open your hands to receive God's blessing"

I seriously could have walked away after her first talk and the weekend would have been AMAZING. Her words were so convicting. But it didn't stop there....

Leslie Padgett:
"God takes us to the Grand Canyon of our fears and has us look down. He shows us that we cannot be shaken by ANYTHING of this world"
"Our most painful experiences give us our strongest faith answers"

Jess McClenahan:
"Your relationship with Christ is very personal, but it should not be kept private. Share His Glory"

Each story was different but they all pointed to God's faithfulness and redeeming love. It.Was.Awesome.

Oh, but that was just the spoken words. Did I mention there was music, too? We were so blessed by the music of Tim Halperin (not to be confused with Jim Halpert), Jenny Simmons & Jordan Critz. A lot of the lessons I learned that weekend were taught through music as well.

On my way up to Dallas, I had a random Pandora station on that has both secular & Christian music (sidenote: I think it's dumb to differentiate the two. Worship can be found anywhere....but that's another post entirely). Anyway, I noticed that three songs in a row were "Christian" songs.

First was Addison Road's song "Hope Now". I recognized it immediately because it was the one song that I clung to when I was pregnant with Harper. All the hope and fear of being a new mother would sometimes overwhelm me and I found such comfort in these words:

"If everything comes down to love, then just what am I afraid of.....when I call out Your name something inside awakes in my soul. How quickly I forget I'm Yours. I'm not my own, I've been carried by You all my life...." 

Next to come on the station was JJ Heller's song "Small":

"I don't want to make you small

I don't want to fit you in my pocket

A cross around my throat

You are brighter than the sun

You're closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you

But I could never fathom You at all"

And finally, another Addison Road song (random! *or so I thought) "What do I know of Holy":

"I made You promises a thousand times

 I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

So what do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion? 

Where have I even stood

But the shore upon Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?

So what do I know? What do I know of Holy?"

And by the end of that song I knew that God had something phenomenal in store for me that weekend. I knew He was asking me to trust Him. Not the "small" version I was trying to understand but the true powerful God who surpasses all understanding. All I had to do was trust and let Him speak truth and hope into my life. 

You can imagine my surprise and joy when the music started on Saturday night and I heard a beautiful voice start to sing. Not just any voice, but Jenny Simmons....the lead singer of Addison Road. Touche God, TOUCHE.

The worship was absolutely beautiful all weekend. More than once, I caught myself wiping hot tears from my cheeks. I love how convicting certain songs can be in your life - it's like they speak straight to your soul.

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise 

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 

Let me walk upon the waters 

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

{Oceans, Hillsong United}

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before 

O my soul

I will worship Your holy name"

{10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman}

So if words and music weren't enough, perhaps the most wonderful thing about Hope Spoken for me was the PEOPLE. Connections were made, grace was given, love was shared.

this is my super awesome roomie, Barb, who is just absolutely the coolest, sweetest, funniest person EVER!

 Sweet Casey, who was one of the brave women (along with Danielle & Emily) to say YES to God's calling and create this amazing weekend. She has spoken Hope into my life for many years through her blog & it was so wonderful to be able to tell her face to face what an inspiration she is to me.

 And last but not least, my beautiful small group, who encouraged me, loved me, and showed me endless amounts of grace....because let's just be real for a moment, God made me a lot of things but a pretty crier was NOT one of them ;)

So there you have it....my thoughts on Hope Spoken. What a gift the weekend was. I returned home feeling refreshed, inspired and lighter than I've felt in a very long time. I will forever be grateful for this thin place in my life where I was given the hope I needed so badly in order to say "it is well with my soul".

Love,
Kerith

questions.

Ah, the awkward first post. There are fresh pages to be written but it is so hard to just start sometimes.

So, "Hi, I'm Kerith. I'm a Christ-following, yoga-loving, wife & Mama from Texas. I am a Pisces and like long walks on the beach. Oh, and red wine."

I guess the trouble with fresh blogs are all the questions & possibilities. Who am I writing to? What am I writing about? When will I write? How will I keep it interesting?

I say write to everyone about everything whenever you can and share your heart. But that is much easier said than done.

So how about I start with the one question I actually know my answer to.

WHY?

Ahhhhh there it is. 

I love how reading other blogs the past few years has had a profound effect on my life. It widens your perspective. It makes you question (and ultimately become more convicted) in your own beliefs. It gives you strength and confidence when you find yourself in a situation similar to something someone else has faced. And it gives you compassion for others.

I feel like each and every one of us has an awesome story to tell. This world is an amazing place and our experiences are given meaning and substance when we share them with others. Our interactions, relationships, careers, families & spiritual beliefs....our strengths & weaknesses, joy & pain, convictions & questions...they are all different and unique. Which makes them incredibly important and SO worthy of sharing. 

So, why? Because I'd like to tell MY story. Whatever that might be. I have no idea what God has planned for my future. But I do know this: IT IS GOOD (hello Jeremiah 29:11). And I also believe that because HE has written it, my simple little life is a story worth sharing.

Afterall:

"Redemption has made us all storytellers."

-Danielle Burkleo

Love,

Kerith

Disclaimer: redeemed storyteller or not, please remember that I'm also a sleep-deprived, attention-limited mama of a wonderfully exhausting toddler. So, if my sentence structure isn't perfect and my writing isn't worthy of the next Pulitzer, show me some grace will ya? ;)